Big Feelings From Tiny People: Tantrums, Before and During

Tantrums are not naughtiness.

A tantrum is a big feeling in a small brain that can't yet manage it.

Young children struggle to regulate themselves and their emotions, and this can result in some really challenging moments. We tend to call these tantrums.

I hear you. It's not easy in the moment. You might be in the mall, or any public place, and quite honestly you just want the noise and distress to stop.

So let's look at two things. What we can do before, away from the moment. And what helps during.

Before: Stop the Storm Before It Starts 🌤️

Punishment stops the behaviour in the moment, but it teaches nothing. Prevention and connection teach for life.

• Meet the basics first. Most tantrums come from hungry, tired, overstimulated or rushed children. Protect sleep, snacks and slow time.
• Keep a predictable rhythm. Children feel safe when they know what comes next. Same routine, same order, every day.
• Warn before transitions. "Two more slides, then we go home." No sudden endings.
• Fewer battles. Say yes where you can, so your no really counts.
• Offer small choices. "Red cup or blue cup?" gives control without giving in.
• Fill their connection cup. Ten minutes of undivided attention a day prevents so much attention-seeking behaviour.
• Slow down. Rushing is one of the biggest tantrum triggers of all.
• Involve them. Let them help, carry, pour and choose. Capable children are calmer children.

Give Them the Words 📚

I find through my work that children and parents get stuck in a particular pattern of behaviour. Like a broken record. They need new skills, ideas and solutions to move forward.

Let me tell you...

Children are fantastic problem solvers. Just like adults, they can be big agents of change. It's just a question of reaching them and giving them some language to communicate with.

• Read books about feelings. There are lots available.
• Name it to tame it. Naming feelings helps, connecting words to what's happening.
• Act it out. Social stories and role play let children practise when they're calm.

During: Three Ways to Support in a Tantrum 💛

1. Feelings First

Acknowledge how they might be feeling.

Parents often tell me that a strategy they use is to ignore their child. I'm not keen on this. I like to disarm with empathy.

I can only imagine how it must be to be three years old, when these big scary feelings come, and you are overwhelmed, and your parent is ignoring you. It must be so hard as a small child to understand what to do.

• "Yes, I can see this is tricky for you."
• "I understand it's upsetting."
• "I hear you."
• "You're so disappointed."

2. Be Their Safe Place

Children need a safe and accepting place to experience big emotions. You are usually it.

If possible, find a quiet corner where you can come down to their level. Stay calm and close. Your calm is their anchor.

Fewer words. "I'm here. You're safe."

3. Hold the Boundary Kindly

Firm and kind go together. You don't have to give in.

You are not saying yes to the behaviour. You are not saying yes to the sweets in the supermarket that kick-started all this. You are holding a safe and loving boundary.

And be aware: BIG conversations don't go well with BIG feelings in BIG moments. They are not a match. Let the intensity pass before you wade in with a detailed explanation of the why, where, what and when.

After: Reconnect and Reflect 🤗

Cuddle first, chat later.

Then, as with all situations, I encourage families to think it through after the moment:

• When does it happen most?
• Where?
• With who?
• What helps it?
• What makes it worse?
• What was going on for your little human?
• What is your child hoping to gain?

Most tantrums are predictable, and many are avoidable. Prevention is the real work.

Everyone is doing their best. Be kind to yourself. Repair matters more than perfection.

Small steps eventually make big leaps!

💛 I love problem solving with families. If tantrums are taking over your days, you don't have to work it out on your own. Book a Free Discovery Call and let's talk it through together: https://www.thepottyqueen.me/free-call

With love, Principal Lisa x